Esco

It’s August 2015

We planned for Baby Esco. We actually said, “We’re ready for another baby. Bella’s five and in school, our roommate will move out before delivery, and we steady. Let’s try.” And I got pregnant within the month. We prepped Bella to be a big sister and told our families in a cutesy way...because we couldn’t do that with Bella. Ahem. Aaaanyway..

We were thrilled. We named him after Pablo Escobar because Narcos came out the month I found out I was pregnant. We didn’t know if I was having a boy or girl, the baby was Esco. 

It’s November 2015 

I waited until I was four months along to tell anyone. Because that’s what you do. You wait until you’re past the first trimester. 

Because after that, you’re good.

It’s a Thursday: I left work early to go to the ER because of discharge issues. I get there and I immediately see everyone I knew from the hospital restaurant where I used to work. The restaurant had a Starbucks and people floooded the place. From open to close. Folks needed their fix. Plus, we served bomb food so execs, managers and VIP guests would have lunch or dinner there. You get the quality service, stay within the building, and use your ID badge to pay. You get it. I saw errybody.

Anyway, they all find out I’m pregnant and congratulations are in order. Blah blah blah. Tests came back normal. Then, I go to get an ultrasound. I’m waiting and the sign says, “Don’t ask the tech for shit. They don’t know shit. Wait for the radiologist to give you info.” Not in so many words but basically. The lady comes in and I’m low key nervous. She does her job and goes, “You don’t feel that?” And I finally have the courage to look up. Esco is going ape shit. Soo active! She then asks, “Do you know what you’re having?”

“Nope, I find out next Friday!” 

“Do you want to know what you’re having?” 

“Of course! I’ll just play dumb with my family.”

She points and says, “That’s not a leg!”

Literal hysterics all around and we watched him play for at LEAST fifteen minutes. By this point we both realize how late it is and we chill on the antics.

“This is why I love my job. Hey, you better come back and tell me I was right! And when you do tell my boss to give me a raise!” The tech tells me as she hugs me goodbye.

Whew. We good. 

It’s Saturday night: I’m washing my hands after I peed (for the thousandth time that day) and look down. I’m wet but it’s not urine. And it’s kind of bloody but not really just like... a lot of fluid. 

I immediately called my mom, who told me to go to the ER and to call back when I know what’s up. I let my husband know I’m heading out and I’d be back soon. 

It’s nothing.

I park in the employee deck because ..obvi I must save coins. But as I’m walking toward the ER I realize I’m leaking through my pad and my leggings. Like actually leaving a trail behind me.

Pleeease be okay.

I walk up to the desk and tell the nurse what’s going on. She hands me an actual puppy pad while I wait. I run into a surgical rep I know. Greeeeat.

“Hey...oh, yeah. I’m fine. Everything’s fine. Just double checking.” I lie. 

Fuck, I’m soaking through it. I ask for another and this time the nurse hands me a towel with a concerned expression.

They call me back to get my vitals and the ultrasound. Same room. Diff nurse. She’s checking the screen. Ooow I’m cramping up. Never mind. It’s gone. She’s quiet. And squinting. Oh, cramp is back. The fuck she squinting for? I finally ask Helen Keller if everything is okay and she says the radiologist will inform me. 

Okay?

I go back to the room. I see my old boss in her new position. I immediately hide. Bullet dodged.

Finally, the doctor. She’s breathtaking. Of middle Eastern descent. Maybe Indian? She’s also pleasant for working at 3am. 

Damn I’ve been here that long? 

She says she waiting on the results from the radiologist but she’s concerned about the lack of fluid. Immediately a message pops up.

“I’m not an obstetrician but it looks like this will result in a miscarriage. I’m so sorry.” 

What this bitch say?

“No! That’s not right. Find an obstetrician. You already said you aren’t one, so go find one.”

“I’m so sorry but-“

“Please just find one.”

Hours go by. 

In walks the obstetrician. After delivering a baby or some shit. THE NERVE! We review everything that happened and she goes, “I’m pretty positive your water broke. Let me do a cervical check.” 

She does it and confirms. 

“No!” It was immediate but unintentional. But it was all I could say. 

“I’m so sorry but you’re already in labor. The cramps are contractions. Your body is passing the baby. Do you have anyone you can call to meet you here?”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN? How? What am I supposed to tell my kid? My husband? Oh fuck I have to tell him?! And my mom?!?”

I start bawling.

“I’m sorry. But I truly don’t think your five year old will remember much.”

“You don’t know my child.”

“They are more resilient than you think.”

I call my mom.

“I’ve been praying for you since we hung up.”

I couldn’t speak but she already knew.

“Oh, Shanice. I’m so sorry.” 

“Please just stay with Bella so Devon can come. Please?”

“I’m on the way.”

Next up. My husband.

“Hey what’d they say?”

I’m crying so hard no sound escaped then suddenly...

“You should come meet me.”

“Why do I need to come?”

“Just come.”

He is crying and goes, “Say it, Shanice. You have to say it or I won’t believe it.”

At that moment I realized I needed to say it. Not just for him but for me, too.

I laid alone. Mostly in silence but also in denial for a while. Then I came to accept the truth. 

I get a call from my husband and he’s looking for my room. I hear a familiar voice. Mom! She came? She’s here? Pause. Where’s My Pride and Joy? 

“She’s with your sister at your house.” That sweet maternal angel. I didn’t know how much I needed her until I saw her.

We moved rooms and I’m getting settled in when it hits me. I’m losing my baby. And I just fall out. Crying. Kim K lost her diamond earring ugly cry. Except I’m losing my baby. My daughter’s little brother. 

My mom comes to hold me on the hospital bed. I look up see Devon crying I want to hug him but I can’t so I cry harder. Suddenly the nurse walks and sits on the couch and hugs him! Just hugging him and talking to him. He needed that. 

Time for vitals again. I look up and I know two of the three nurses. Shame falls over me. But the meds kick in so I’m gooood.

I wake up and feel painful cramps. The doc says I have to push soon but asks if I want an epidural. An epidural? I mean it hurts but not that bad. I don’t need it.

I have to push but I don’t want to do it. I want to go to May 1st. My due date. What was supposed to happen. But she says I have to do it. So I push as I cry. Which actually helped. Damn I wish I had that epidural.

“Did you know what you were having?”

Guilt. I didn’t say anything.

“No.” Devon politely answered.

“It was a boy.” 

He cries more and hugs me. 

“Do you want to hold him?”

“No! Get it away from me!” I cried.

“Okay.... okay.” She said quietly. “We will have him until tomorrow if you change your mind.”

Not changing my mind.

We just bawled. I’ve never felt such a range of emotion. Obviously sadness, confusion, disappointment, but unexpectedly rage.

That night during shift change I recognized the charge nurse. She smiled and said, “Hey, you’re...” with immediate recognition of the situation goes, “Oh, God, honey. I am so sorry.” She hugs me and helps me into the shower.

That night My husband and I both laid in the hospital bed together. Curled up to one another.

The next morning a nurse comes in for vitals. 

“Have you changed your minds? Would you like to see him before you leave?”

We look at each other.

“It’s okay. Think about it.”

“Yes, we do.”

“I’ll bring him in.”

Immediately I start feeling regret. Not 100% sure I want this but here we go. My mind is wondering. What will he look like? My eyes water. 

He’ll look like my son.

She walks in carrying the smallest swaddled blanket I’ve ever seen. Then hands it to me.

It’s Esco. He’s the size of a deodorant stick. He has eyes and fingers and toes. A mini baby. That’s the best way to describe it. I thought I cried hard earlier. Nope. This was waterfalls. #NoTLC. 

Heaving all my air out of my body. Hugging him closer to me. But I couldn’t he was so small. Then I gave him to Devon. He had his moment and we sobbed more.

Hours go by and it’s time to check out and Dev went to get the car while I waited for pants and a wheelchair. The CNA that walked in was a familiar face. We went to high school together! We sat at the same lunch table all of my junior year! She wants to friendly greet me but she realizes the situation and hugs me. “Oh, Shanice, I’m so so sorry. I really am. I’m so sorry.” As I limp to the wheelchair my legs gave out. I sob more. Suddenly arms are wrapped around me.

“It’ll be okay. I’m so sorry. It’ll be okay.”

She wheels me down and I see another nurse I know. I hide.

Finally, I see my car and my husband. I can’t wait to crawl into bed. 

I don’t know how to end this. Soooo holla! 

Kidding. But really. This is never-ending. I may not have memories but I’ll never forget the presence of my son. The hospital gave me his footprints and a box full of tangible items which was a considerate gesture.

Esco will never be forgotten. He’s constantly on our minds. Especially Bella’s. She always draws him in family pictures or talks about him. She even tells people she has two brothers sometimes.

Random facts: 

They put me on Xanax for a week because I was anxious about everyone dying. I figured if I felt this loss with someone I never knew, imagine the people I do know. Who I physically hold dear. And I’m here to say it’s not worth the hype. I think the doc played me with low doses lmaooo 

BTW we really did name him Esco. His birth certificate confirms it

And the nurse that hugged Devon? She was the nurse when I went into labor with Jaxon! The universe is amazing!