Twenty Six

My birthday is Monday and I've just been thinking about my life. Literally everything that has led up to me being who I am. Everything from people I've met to experiences I've encountered. Within the past year I've learned a few things about myself.

I've learned that I want to leave a positive impression on people. Regardless of theirs.

In twenty five years, I've lived in four countries and three states. I've been in 11 schools and in that time, I've met countless people. People who I've spent a year(or more) sitting next to in class. People at the drive thru. Or a doctors office. Some people I saw everyday and some I never saw again. But they were all left with an idea of who I was.

There is a part of your life that lives on in someone else's mind. To someone, I'll forever be the girl who was constantly ashy. To someone, I'll forever be the girl from Hurricane Katrina. To someone, I'll forever be the pregnant senior. To someone else, I'll forever be the girl who was pumping in a community dorm bathroom at UGA. 

You get the idea.

If you run into someone you haven't seen or talked to in a while, catch up! Try to leave a positive image of yourself. And maybe they'll leave a new one of themselves as well! 

What's meant to be will be. 

Obvi, I have goals and ideas of how to reach them, but if something changes along the way, I know that everything will work out the way it's meant to be.

After being a control freak for 25 years, I've had the realization that what's meant to be will be. Whether it's positive or negative. I just know what's meant for me will happen in the time it's supposed to happen. 

I still honestly have no idea how I got pregnant with Jaxon. Trust, I was not trying to be pregnant then or maybe ever again. 

I had a miscarriage six months before finding out I was pregnant with Jax. We still don't know why my water broke at 16 weeks. Obvi, I became insanely anxious. All the time. Constantly worrying about anything and everything. I was overthinking everything I did. All the time. I knew could not live the next eight months in constant fear. I had done everything right with Baby Esco and we still lost him. What was meant to be would be. Whatever was supposed to happen would happen.

I read a book by a monk named THICH NHAT HANH where he spoke about how we all live in fear. How fear restrains us from living our best life. I try to think about his rememberances.

As horrific as that experience was, I had one just as incredible. Bella was in the room with us and Steph, a bestie, snuck in, too. Another plus, my mom was in a better place than when I had Bella. 

This past year, I've been trying let go of my worries and focusing on the moment. If is bad, I know that it's a time for learning and it will leave. If it's good, I enjoy it as much as possible for it is leaving, too.

Contentment: 

I also realized I was in search of happiness. I thought things would make me happy. There would be something to show how hard we worked. How great we were doing. I quickly realized that things weren't enough. I needed to be content. Yes, I want to have a house but I also want memories. But the thing is, we'll make memories regardless of our house. It's the moments and people that make it a home. Now I know I want security for my children, for me, for my future. I recently found a quote from OTH. 

Happiness isn't a destination but a mood. I can discover what makes me happy and find happiness just about anytime! It's contentment that remains constant. Knowing what matters. Knowing the difference between wants and needs. I honestly think I'm happier now that I've found genuine contentment.

Within the next year I hope to learn during my twenty sixth year: patience.

Zamn, that was long. 

Happy #LibraSzn